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The Means and the Ends

Nov. 5th, 2009 | 12:55 am
mood: tiredtired

I wonder, sometimes idly and sometimes with almost desperate intent if we all feel alienated and distant so much of the time, or if rather that is a trait more particular to the person I have grown into.

Its been a tumultuous year, and I don't know exactly how I feel about it even as it draws to a close. My heart at times felt full to bursting, and at times barren. I saw cities that I had until now only read about in history, and I swam in the cool Mediterranean.

Some of the choices I've made have been wrong ones. I've spoken when only my understanding was needed, and I've been silent when I didn't know if I could give the affirmations that were so wanted of me. I've regretted and doubted myself so much lately that I can barely stand to make a decision at all. I suspect that just like me, most others find it simplest to tear themselves down to examine in minute detail all the different ways each decision they make has been detrimental to others or their own well-being.

At times I take comfort in the illusion that I can somehow control the environment that surrounds me. That I can possibly influence the tide of decisions and causal chains that wash around us in a constant barrage. Even when I fall into that fantasy though, I know that it will inevitably burst apart. The truth of the matter is that I am swept away in life. I have as much chance of controlling my final course as a rain drop falling into a stormy ocean.

I could choose to ignore the choices put before me, to not make the decisions that I feel are the right ones. Too often I can admit to feeling that the decisions I make are not the right ones for my own happiness, but rather seem to be better suited towards someone else's needs, or at least my own personal (at times irrational) moral beliefs.

Does it matter if you can choose to do the wrong or selfish thing, when you know that doing so would be betraying the things that you have worked so hard to try to embed in who you are? Its the illusion of a choice, its the temptation to be something less than the person I want to be.

If as I have said, I don't have a chance of controlling the final direction of the choices that are presented to me, I do believe I have the ability to choose my mindset in dealing with them.

The choice I have is why I make the decisions I do. Sometimes those decisions will be detrimental to my own happiness, sometimes they may well end up being detrimental to another's, but I will make them because I must do so. I intend to act out of compassion and empathy.

I think what I've come to is that the means justify the ends. I'm as done as I can be with the self-recriminations about being the cause of my own unhappiness. I'm done agonizing over what could have been if I had just chosen another path. The roads I've chosen have been as true and honest as I know how to be. I am endeavoring to continue making those choices. I think finally I believe and understand that for me and my personal happiness, the means will always justify the ends.

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(no subject)

Jun. 30th, 2009 | 01:36 pm
location: home
mood: goodgood
music: Greensleaves - Frina Saille

"I know a girl, she puts the colors into my world"
J. Mayer

I don't know why I am so sure of myself, except that for the first time in longer than I care to remember, my heart is doing more than just beating. If the stars are crossed, I'll move the sky.

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Meme snagged from KatsCanx

Jun. 12th, 2009 | 05:36 pm
location: home
mood: discontentdiscontent
music: Hard to Concentrate -Red Hot Chili Peppers-

Promise you won't lie?
Lets say I won't lie but I might just not answer.

Have you kissed anyone in the past 10 days?

Last person you shared food with?
Ellen's daughter Sada

Have you been a happy, angry, or sad person lately?
Happy more than usual lately. Also a bit pensive and today a bit angry, but only as a reaction to being challenged.

Did you wake up in the middle of the night last night?
I woke up at about 6 or so I guess?

Are you wearing jeans, shorts, sweatpants, or pajama pants?

Can you see a cat from where you're sitting?
I can see what he is sleeping behind. The storm scared him :)

Were you ever obsessed with Vitamin Water?
Obsessed is a strong word for it I think. I drank it some, I didn't think it would like...fix my life or anything.

Could you date someone taller than you?

Do you like your life right now?
Its better than it was certainly.

Do you think before you speak?
Mostly. Words have a lot of power.

When was the last time you wanted to punch someone in their face?
Uhm...not lately in anger. But in Krav the other day? Totally wanted to get a few more shots in on some folks.

Do you wear glasses?

Did you go outside for more than 30 minutes today?

Was today better than yesterday?
Every day is a good day, just try missing one.

Honestly, what's running through your mind?
Some serious stuff. And that my stomach hurts right now.

Have you ever asked a girl for advice?
Of course.

Ever kissed under water?
I'm sure I have.

What did you wear yesterday?
shorts and a wife beater for the most part.

Do you straighten your hair often?

How are you feeling?
Kindof sick to my stomach actually. Tried to eat when I was a little upset.

Is there something you're not looking forward to?
Nope. I look forward to a lot of things lately.

How late did you stay up last night?
Uhm....2 or 3ish?

Do you think boys truly understand girls?
I don't think anyone really understands anyone else. We're all enigmas. We can try though, and we do try.

Choose: bonfire on a beach or clubbing in the city?
Bonfire at the beach, no doubt.

Would you say that you are an intelligent person?
That is one of my many conceits.

Is there anybody you wish you could be spending time with right now?
Without a doubt.

Are you usually wide awake in the morning?
Generally I wake up at about 70%.

Do you ever use words like stoked, souped or sick?
Not so often. I prefer Jazzed up.

Ever been lied to by someone you thought would never lie to you?
Certainly. But people lie sometimes. Sometimes its unintentional or out of neglect, sometimes its to protect someone, and sometimes its to avoid the consequences of an action or thought. Only the last one concerns me at all.

Was it a boy or a girl to text you last?

What colour is your digital camera?

Last person you told a secret to?

Are you your best friend's best friend?
I think so

Would you go out in public looking like you do now?
I surely would.

Did you sleep alone last night?
indeed. thanks for the reminder :)

Have you held hands with somebody in the past three days?
briefly when I gave someone a hug

Has anybody ever told you that you have pretty eyes?
yeah. once by a drunk girl in a movie theater. I don't think she could see my eyes, but a compliment is a compliment right?

How was your weekend?
It was pretty good

Was your last kiss drunk or sober?

Have you done anything embarrassing lately?
I'm sure I have.

Are you a bad influence?
I try not to be. Or maybe I'm bad with a purpose.

Has anyone ever called you baby?

Who was the last person you took a picture with?
I really have no idea.

Will you be up before 7 am tomorrow?
most likely no.

What is something you disliked about your day?
Some pretty tough thoughts.

Have you kissed anyone whose name started with a S?
sure have.

Have you ever dated the same person twice?
It happens sometimes.

Honestly, has anyone seen you in your underwear in the past 3 months?
for sure.

Do you watch The Hills?
never have.

Favourite Drink?
water. coke zero, captain morgan and diet.

What do you daydream about the most?
All that is, and all that could be.

If you could run away to any place, where would you go?
Depends on who is going with me.

How often is your smile fake?
A smile can't be fake, its motivations can be misleading though.

Is there anything/anyone you're losing faith in?
not currently. Right now I am gaining in faith.

When was the last time you completely broke down?
I don't completely break down. Or at least, I haven't yet.

Who can make or break your day?
Anybody. The making is easy. The breaking - that's up to me and how I react to things. So I guess, anybody, and me, respectively. *I am totally keeping this answer, I like it a lot, and it is exactly what I would have put.*

Are you addicted to anything?

How many piercings do you have and where?
3 in one ear, 2 in the other. but i don't wear them and they may have closed. one in my tongue that I will probably take out soon.

What is your biggest regret?
I don't do regret much. Or at least, I do my best to not let it gain a foothold in my life.

Are you lying to yourself about something?
maybe. But I haven't caught myself in a lie yet.

Is it hard for you to be happy for someone else?
not really. Sometimes I guess, when their happiness comes counter to my own. Really though, that is my failing, and I generally get over it and am genuinely happy for them.

Have you ever been so hurt that you wanted to stop feeling completely?
I've toyed w/ the thought, and even gone down that road before. I decided that was weak.

Have you ever taken a long trip alone?
Only the driving part. I've never gone somewhere I didn't know anybody by myself.

Is there a specific moment you can replay in your mind perfectly?
I think so. I remember the emotion poignantly. Not sure about the details.

Has an ex ever wanted you back after they left you?
I surely have.

Do you leave your feelings unspoken?
Is it best to do so? If so I leave them in silence.

Name something good that happened today?
I woke up smiling.

Has anyone told you they missed you lately?
Indeed. It made me happy in a way also.

Where were you at 8 this morning?

Have you ever been rude to someone without even realizing it?
I'm sure I have. I can be arrogant, stand-offish and clickish sometimes. I try not to do it, but I do on occasion.

Does it annoy you when people say they'll call but never do?

Could you go a month without cursing?
I'm working on it now kindof. It would be way easier if I didn't have to drive.

How's your heart lately?
My ticker is still ticking. I think I felt a little bit of life out of it not so long ago.

Do you own a piece of clothing with your school name on it?
Nope. Not that kindof dude.

How many letters are in your last name?

Is there a girl that knows everything or mostly everything about you?
Uhm...In so much as anyone can know someone else I think so.

Was the first person you talked to today male or female?
Male. Dave-O on his way out the door to work.

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(no subject)

Jun. 5th, 2009 | 04:13 pm

I went to italy and greece for two weeks. It was neat, but the best part was the people I met.

I want to move now. Not overseas exactly, although that would be nice in a way, but I just want a change.

I don't feel like a whole lot in my life as that good right now. Its not bad, and I am doing better than I have in a long time, but this entire not drinking as much thing has really opened my eyes to the fact that my life is much less than I think it should be.

theres a song lyric that really sums up how i feel right

"And I want life in ever word
to the point that its absurd"

This isn't a call for help. I'm not exactly sad, just dissatisfied. I need something more than I have now.

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100 Things

Dec. 8th, 2008 | 09:25 pm

1. Started your own blog - Obviously
2. Slept under the stars - For sure.
3. Played in a band - nope.
4. Visited Hawaii - Maybe this summer.
5. Watched a meteor shower - Last year, I caught the tail end of the Perseids.
6. Given more than you can afford to charity - Not really.
7. Been to Disneyland/world - Not Yet
8. Climbed a mountain - Petit Jean? Pinnacle? I want to do some real climbing.
9. Held a praying mantis - no. do people do that?
10. Sang a solo - hmm...mercifully no.
11. Bungee jumped - Not yet.
12. Visited Paris - Want to do this.
13. Watched a lightning storm - for sure. I love this sort of thing.
14. Taught yourself an art from scratch - art is not my game.
15. Adopted a child - hmm. nope.
16. Had food poisoning - probably not technically.
17. Walked to the top of the Statue of Liberty - I want to go to New york. Statue of Liberty.
18. Grown your own vegetables - hmm. my dad did this, i helped.
19. Seen the Mona Lisa in France - not yet.
20. Slept on an overnight train - slept on a train. it was not overnight however.
21. Had a pillow fight - of course.
22. Hitch hiked - never.
23. Taken a sick day when you're not ill - yeah
24. Built a snow fort
25. Held a lamb
26. Gone skinny dipping
27. Run a marathon - maybe one day.
28. Ridden in a gondola in Venice - this sounds fun.
29. Seen a total eclipse - Lunar eclipses count, right?
30. Watched a sunrise or sunset - many!
31. Hit a home run - but only in a neighborhood game
32. Been on a cruise - in may baby.
33. Seen Niagara Falls in person - that would be fun.
34. Visited the birthplace of your ancestors - phillipines. nope.
35. Seen an Amish community
36. Taught yourself a new language - I taught myself the ASL alphabet when I was little, but that's it.
37. Had enough money to be truly satisfied - i dont think so.
38. Seen the Leaning Tower of Pisa in person
39. Gone rock climbing - Indoor only.
40. Seen Michelangelo's David - in many books. Not in person.
41. Sung karaoke - very rarely.
42. Seen Old Faithful geyser erupt
43. Bought a stranger a meal at a restaurant
44. Visited Africa
45. Walked on a beach by moonlight - alone many times, a few times with someone i cared about. second was always better.
46. Been transported in an ambulance
47. Had your portrait painted
48. Gone deep sea fishing -
49. Seen the Sistine Chapel in person - in may
50. Been to the top of the Eiffel Tower in Paris
51. Gone scuba diving or snorkeling -
52. Kissed in the rain
53. Played in the mud
54. Gone to a drive-in theater
55. Been in a movie
56. Visited the Great Wall of China -
57. Started a business
58. Taken a martial arts class - many.
59. Visited Russia
60. Served at a soup kitchen -
61. Sold Girl Scout Cookies - .
62. Gone whale watching -
63. Got flowers for no reason - i only buy flowers for people for no reason.
64. Donated blood, platelets or plasma - every 64 days or so.
65. Gone sky diving - bought the tickets just waiting on it to get warm.
66. Visited a Nazi Concentration Camp -
67. Bounced a check - I think we all have at one point.
68. Flown in a helicopter
69. Saved a favorite childhood toy -
70. Visited the Lincoln Memorial -
71. Eaten caviar -
72. Pieced a quilt -
73. Stood in Times Square -
74. Toured the Everglades -
75. Been fired from a job - Only once. for a girl. go figure.
76. Seen the Changing of the Guards in London
77. Broken a bone - a finger. like....13 years ago.
78. Been on a speeding motorcycle
79. Seen the Grand Canyon in person - by plane. I am saying it counts.
80. Published a book
81. Visited the Vatican
82. Bought a brand new car - once. it got hit two weeks later.
83. Walked in Jerusalem
84. Had your picture in the newspaper - not that I recall, anyway.
85. Read the entire Bible
86. Visited the White House
87. Killed and prepared an animal for eating -
88. Had chickenpox - i was like..5 or something
89. Saved someone's life
90. Sat on a jury -
91. Met someone famous
92. Joined a book club
93. Lost a loved one -
94. Had a baby
95. Seen the Alamo in person
96. Swam in the Great Salt Lake
97. Been involved in a law suit
98. Owned a cell phone
99. Been stung by a bee - several times.
100. Read an entire book in one day

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Goals update.

Oct. 21st, 2008 | 08:37 pm

10. get a passport

This is done. Just waiting on them to mail it back to me now.

26. try 5 new types of food

Tried Smoked Rainbow trout the other day. It was pretty good, not my favorite fish though. Note - I have never had any kind of trout at all, not just that kind of trout.

35. read 100 books

I read

Welcome to your Brain
In Process of reading River of God

54. eat no fried food for a month
Been doing this since 10/17. I would almost be done with this one, but the State Fair and a very unhealthy love for corn dogs got in the way. That said, Fried Oreos, are perhaps the most unholy tasty workout negating confection ever created by mankind. And I want them now. But the fair is over, so they are a year away.

So day 4 of 31 and all is well.

72. watch 20 new movies
I kindof think I am going to pick only movies that I either really really enjoy, or that I watched as a means of trying to grow some culture in myself.

That said, I watched Religulous and Choke last week. Pretty fun both of them.

957 Days to go!

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Goals Week 4

Oct. 5th, 2008 | 03:11 pm
mood: discontentdiscontent
music: Sweet Home Chicago -Blues Brothers-

16. take vitamins every day for a month - Day 28 of 31 - All is going well, and I feel pretty good physically overall.

28. learn more about wine - Did a bit of reading prior to the Festival of Wines. Honestly, I don't really care to become to good at picking apart a wine, so much as I'd like to learn a bit more about the general flavors I enjoy, as well as what goes best with what.

37. AR festival of wines - Did it. It was fun, saw some friends, Megan was gorgeous. Had quite a bit of wine, sampled lots of fare from local restaurants, and got some pretty awesome new idea's for dinner dates.

48. find my top 5 favorite wines - At the moment, I know that I really really loved

Ventisquero Cabernet Sauvignon and Pomegranate Semi-Dry wine. mmmm. I went back to the pomegranate booth like 4 times.

973 days left to go!

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Goals Week 3

Sep. 28th, 2008 | 10:46 pm
mood: blahblah

Not so much movement as I would have liked this week. Actually, I was supposed to go skydiving on saturday, but somewhere between the the national booking company, and the pilot in Malvern a miscommunication led to me being scheduled on the wrong day. Now I have to find a good time to reschedule.

A little progressCollapse )

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Goals (Week 2)

Sep. 21st, 2008 | 10:40 pm
mood: amusedamused

Astute readers may notice that there was no week 1. Thats because it took me a week to post it originally.

Regardless, this week has been decent, but next week is going to be awesome, theres some big ones coming up.

GoalsCollapse )

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101 Goals in 1001 Days

Sep. 16th, 2008 | 07:09 pm
mood: accomplished
music: Breakfast at Tiffanys -Deep Blue Something-

So I have been meaning to finish this list for the last nine months, and with alot of encouragement from a friend, I finally did so about two weeks ago. That said, here it is!

GoalsCollapse )

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